Bulimia talk at night

"And it's not really about food. 

Never really. It's about thoughts, and desires, and obsessions, and sadness and loss. It's about eating my ups and downs. It's about finding something that doesn't want to be found. It's about filling up a bottomless hole. A gaping wound. It's about love. Hate." -Savory, you spoke right from my heart♥

Remember how I talked just a few hours ago about this afternoon and how my brother was acting? Well, here is part two of the Mina-is-a-bulimic-let's-all-talk-about-it !

 I came home just about an hour ago from working at the bakery shop. My father and his love were about going to bed when I heating up some veggie mix they had left for me as dinner. Then, my father enters the kitchen asking me to come into the living room. I sit down on the sofa. A moment of silence.

"I had a conversation with D.( my brother)" That's how it started. He said that my brother was pretty upset and angry and that had not thought it would move him so much because of our bad relation to each other (like cats and dogs), that he had insulted him and that apparently him being so rude was his way of dealing with it. That apparently he had known it  so much earlier than my father and C. do, cause he is the one who is still awake late at night when I am and my father's already sleeping and does not get to know what I am doing(did not I suspect all along my brother to be knowing it all?). My father apologized for being also a part of why I hurt so much and am so damaged, even  though to my mind  if he had divorced earlier from my mother my siblings and I would have ended up at hers ad god know what would have become of us...I would have probably ended up on drugs, a screwed up school career, a slut, a cutter I dunno...

He said that he is trying to not put me under pressure although he knows that these talks are putting me unde rpressure but that he thinks it is important that we talk to each other about it because  despit my illness our family life has to go on. And that would be why he is informing me that  it would be tter if I did not throw my vomit bags away in the little dustbins they have on busstops etc but in the big ones 'cause that way the binmen will not get a nasty suprise if they empty the small ones by themselves (a machine does the big ones).  He asked me to only use our small toilet from now on and to spare the family bathroom, to let it be  a "safe" place for my brother or something.

He said that it make shim so sad in how much pain I am and that he wants me to life and he thinks I also want to life, why else would I do my bachelorette, or want to go to England or [..] His voice is breaking,hoarse, I hear the tears bbuilding up in his eyes,tightening his throat.

I sit there all the time almost saying nothing, my throat feels to thight as if I am aout to suffocate, my eyes welling with tears although I am fighting against them.

And then he asks if i think I am heading to Anorexia.

"If I would I would eat nothing and not do all this stuff,right?" Right.

But secretly, I think we all would be better if I was anorexic. Or at least a mix of Mia and Ana and not so Mia focused. 

All I do is hurt people around me by my existence.

The days my little sister (11) will find out about my sickness are counted. She is already under so much pressure because of  our past I fear it might break her. That it might influence her. Put some ideas into her little head about weight,food,eating etc. she shoudl not have. 

MY SOLUTION TO DEAL WITH MY FUCKED UP LIFE

IS NOT A SOLUTION TO BE TAKEN AS AN EXAMPLE!!!

My therapist will be so happy when I tell him about today.

And once again, I'm shattered