Sorry, habe been kinda avoiding posting here or at least posting about my current life cause I suck.
Apparently I have started getting off the depression-train thanks to the sun that has started showing up now and then...this weeks I totally rocked at school( in terms of participating with high quality and smart verbalism) but toally sucked food wise.

I am trying. Really. I try so hard to eat all healthy and vegan and low cal-ish( unde r800cals) but it is so fuckin hard. I am alway *hungry*,meaning I ALWAYS want to eat. Have to be eat anything constantly. I never feel full.I can always eat.
Wednesday my stepsister just looked at me in the supermarket( she bought some chocolate  to eat when watching Desp.Housew. I bought 2 jars of pickles and 450g of grilled veggies) and went like " wow, we just had dinner(20minutes ago),I wonde rhow you are able to eat so much!= not in an attacking kind of way, she just dropped the sentence. I have heard suhc things many times. She and her brother often see me eat tons of veggies and some fruits when I am with them watching tv etc. My response: I just love veggies, it is soo delicious etc
My stepbrother's comment: " But NO ONE can love veggies so much ..?!"  xD YES ONE CAN

Still the problem is not being able to stop. So even with veggies and fruits I end up being over 800cals at the end of the day because I can never control what there will be for dinner,can not reduce the amount of what is served for me...so I get just as many potatoes/tofu/spinach... as everyone else -.-
Why can't I go without food for several hours even when I am not busy e.g. in school ? :C
I tried to eat oen apple in the morning but then after 3-4 hours of course my tummy starts growling and I really should love it but this feeling of deep hunger is somehow unpleasant...why can not I savour it and motivate myself with it to stay strong until dinner? =(

So when I get home I ruhs into the supermarket and buy pickles,carrots,champignons..peeled tomatoes with spice..whatever... it is healthy, it is low cal...I usually do not go over 200cals. But then after having finished the bought veggies I can not stop. I am totally not hungry anymore,cravings for cals are satisfied, I enjoyed the meal. But then there are apples. my personal problem. ALready mentioned I eat them like other people chocolate... and with 60-80 cals it adds alarmingly fast to a few hundreds of cals up.
It would be oaky if I need not eat dinner. I could jsut say " Okay Mina, now you just overate a bit on apples..you are already up to 300 cals worth of apples and 200 thx to veggies..and it is only afternoon meaning for *dinner* e.g. the rest of the day u need to be really sensible. You might only eat steamed veggies worth of 250cals...or some delicious soup or something"
And everything would be okay. *sigh*

Oh, and I have already purged 3, no actually 4-5 times this week. *epic fail*
First time on Monday...but the chocolate,bread,cheesecake,more chocolate,mini croissants filled with apple pieces and nougat,chocolate rice bars that entered my mouth did not even taste good. In fact I did not really like the taste of it and could not finish it. I stopped half way cause it was 30min after I had started = time to vomit and I simply could not/wanted not to go on. WELL THAT WAS WEIRD!
Purged.Watched The Lovely Bones. Really shocked and terrified me.Cried my eyes out. After that I some time went into my room and finished with the rest of binge food. Purged again. One small package of the chocolate rice waffles was still left and I thought about putting it on my brother's desk or something though he might have wondered where I did get it from since " I am vegan and do not buy/eat such stuff"
SOmehow forgot...then it was 8PM and a enormous monster awakend in me. I ran automatically to the fridge sneaked some400g package of tofu and ketchup and 2 slices of whole grain bread and went into my room. First ate the chocolate rice waffles,the greedily in light speed the tofu with ketchup and some slices of tofu on the bread. WTF?!O.o
Purged everything.
Next morning: 500g lighter ->55.0kilos  Gsh how could I do this do me? FATFATFAT
Wednesday: Ate the already mentioned veggies and pickles with sweet mustart. And 1 slice of bread.  My stepsister was away for half an hours because she were supposed to pick up my little sis from her kiddydancing somwwhat class. WHen she was goen I realised that I had eating too many cals. Probably over 1000. And I am already a fat cow again why am I still carrying on stuffing myself with too many cals??? Ran to the bathroom and puked until everything was up.
Today,Thursday I pondered about the tragey that my fav local supermarket will be closed for the next to weeks due to some conversion :C No pickles,no 30cals/1.5l ice tea,no cola light for 50 cent for 14 friggin days OMG This really upsets me so much.... guess these ponderings triggered the following b/p attack. Bough shit for 7€....b/p 1/2 of it before dinner and the rest after dinner...greeeeeeat

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Just figured out lent started Wednesday... though officially I am christian I am not religious. Since 7th grade I attend ethics classes and am more than contended with it. I just don't know if I believe in God.
ANway, the lent fact made me think whether I should participate. One is supposed to give up something u really like for 40days right? what coudl that be? b/P? hm...would be awesome for my health but I can not say that I really LIKE bingepurging...it is like need...my eating disorder...I woudl love to quit it completely and simply be a pure ana....
am I making lame excuse for not choosing no b/p until easter? AM I???
Maybe only because I think that I will not make it anway.. I do not believe in myself

But really ,I can not think of a proper other thing... no tofu? Not doable,since there is 1-2 times tofu for dinner per week -.- I do not smoke, I drink alcohol like once every 2-3 months...

Man,this post has been all over the place,no structure no proper contant...should go to bed

Be better than me and stay stron& think thin& be as healthy as you can!!