Countdown

15.50h

That's the time.

Moment of revelation.

I am so scared!

I don't know what exactly to tell my therapist, how much and HOW...

How am I gonna start it?

I do think it is really likely that my eating disorder has also somethnig to do with my past,like maybe 50% past 50% striving for our idiolised picutre of beauty: 

thinness/gap between thighs/prominent collar bones/slender legs+arms/defined face

etc.

I am willing to work on the *past* part but not the other one.

It's mine.And yours.

But definitely not "theirs",the ones "out of the group".

I want him to be convinced that the underlying problem is my past,my non existent mother-relationship,my traumas etc.

He must not get the impression that it is also about my looks and stuff.

He must not know I am a calorie counting obsessed girl,knowing almost every number of food xy.

He must not know I measure and weigh myself way too often.

He must not know about you here.

Basically,the whole Pro Mia/Ana (pro ,not meaning I think it is good or a lifestyle,but something I am part of) is a no go topic that must not be revealed to him.

Please girls, cross your fingers or pray if you are religious.

My past,yes.But nothign else.

It must end like this: We will talk about my past and how I "channel" or deal with my underlying problems through b/p ing.

But I do not even know whether I should tell him how often I do it.

Shall I pretend it is just a thing, a small flaw btu definitely a fully developed Bulimia?"?"

Oh I so wish I cuold have some of you to talk to right know, to get myself prepared ...

Feeling so alone.

Don't take my Ed from me...

please..

:'(


...and the panic keeps on rising