Updates

So...how are things going on the Mina side of life?
Tomorrow I will see my therapist again and I am really excited/thrilled/anxious/worried about what he will say haver having read the ~10 pages I printed about the psychological/characte rpart of bulimia written by a (to my mind) good psychologist for she concentrated on the underlying problems/reasons.

Today is my father's birthday;51th and we are all going to a pizza restaurant as usually. No prob, thereare one or two things on the menu I can eat because they are both vegan and low cal.
No to the nasty stuff: Last time I told you about planning to b/p but trying my best to let no one know meaning doing it in the middle of the night. Well,the middle of the night-part was okay but when I wanted to get rid of the vomit bag in the morning (7 AM SATURDAY!) my father was up as well...maybe he had to go to the toilet and wanted to say bye to me for >I was about to go the backery for my first testing work day...I dunno maybe he was just checking,the end of the story is that he saw the bag--- :((((
He said something like "We ( he and his partner) both know now you have got a an eating problem there is no need for hiding it or secrecy"with a big sigh and I am sure I heard and saw some pain in his voice and face.
...totally embarassed and ashamed and feeling horrible guilty( these feelings I experience around 98ish percent of my past 10 days since they knowmore than ever before) I mumbled something about nevertheless not wanting to tout about it anyway...

I feel like suhc an enormous failure. An error in the syste. Though I try really hard to do it secretly I fail almost every time... The past few b/p sessions consisted of huge portions of noodles in every form and crips-because it is cheap but satisfying...
but boiling the noodles ,cleaning up heating up the water costs around 20-30minutes....the crips need to be in th eoven around 40 minutes plus 15 minutes of heating up the oven ....obviously too much time to get caught in the act!
Although I wat until 11 PM  or yesterday even 12! my stupid brother notices it. SO far I have been gioving  him a small portion of noodles or crisps as well to keep him quiet but I am pretty sure he knows what is going on...I hate it.

And for the worse, when I got back to the kitchen aroun 1.30AM to clean up the bowel of noodles suddenly my father was in the kitchen coughing(hes got a cold or sth)and saying something like "you made crisps??hm..guess it does not really matter, you wont keep it in you anyway..   you should really go to bed, it is really late you need some sleep you do not have to clean up." I did not really know what to say and mumbled something about just wanted to finish this and tried to finish cleaning as silently as possible ,sneaking into my bed afterwards feeling more than horrible.

I do not want my family to know about my problems .It only causes them pain and worry and makes them unhappy. It only burdens them....and I am afraid of the future. There is a tiny chance my father merely thought it was crips but not as well noodles. I gave him the small straw to cling on to that it is unvegan food I eat but hate to do it cause I feel like a failure and hypocrite and can not bare and let it stay in my body. Now that he saw the crisps and maybe the noodles he presumably will more and more think it is a fully developed bulimia.
The fact that I hit the 51.0 kilos mark this morning is something good on the one hand(50kg totally doable until 6th of August) but on the other hand I am terribly paranoid about my family starting to get on my because of my figure. I am worried they  will start wanting to monitor my weight or checking what I eat throughout the day apart from dinner... I have been throwing away my school food prepared by my father as usual and during summer holidays I will have to make sure to take around 2 slices of bread every day to pretend I am eating somethnig for breakfast...

I am really worried C. (my father's partner) will start again commenting my figure/weight/eating.... to be honest: I just want everyone apart from you,my therapist and maybe the two girls in school I have been  in contact with (one looks like a poor Third World victim the other is kind of in recovery but still having a hard fight with ANA though she defintely does not want to lose but simply maintain adn not get over a certain weight)  to leave me alone!!
Because of the above mentioned resons,I do not want my family to have first row seats this movie about me...


Love,
Mina

PS: Have I done somethingh wrong? there is not a single comment on my last 2 posts and I feel like I made a mistake or something like that....it is really not the attention-whore-thing I am just feeling really vulnerable and needy and fragile right now and you have alway been my number one in terms of support