...neither in a clinic or some kind of horrible situation!
In fact I am okay. Kind of.
I have reached my UGW: 50kilos.Two days ago.
ANd I am faced with the same problems Mellon used to have when she hit the number.
Emptiness... "and now?" My life is still crappy,I am still screwed up I am still not happy. Well.let us be honest: Deep in our hearts we all know that it was never supposed to happen the moment we hit a certrain number.
But because I feel more useless and aimless and unimportant than before I still had a "goal" to reach my next goal is to maintain. I can not allow myself to get over 52kilos again.
I do not tihnk that I have a great body now. I know I am "thin" in other poeple's persepective and from my point of view I am slender. I think the problem is this: We associate thin with beauty,perfection,happiness(...)
But because even if we have reached a certrain weight at which other describe us as thin we can not quite agree with it,cause the feelings and expectations we associate with the word thin are not there.
But it is not like I feel the strong urge to keep on losing weight. I agreed with myself a long time ago that 50 would be my Ultimate Goal Weight. 50 is a nice number. It looks friendly. Especially when my thighs have slimmed down to 49/50 cm as well :D
Sports really is the key,I would have believed I would say these words some day: I think my legs are quite okay! I like how you see the muscles when I stand or cross my legs and how they simply will not touch no matter what I do! My skin is too pale too "not california girl" like to allow me to actually think of my legs as nice or even great. But acceptable is quite something good for my verdict!
Another good thing is that I got the sideline job a this small bakery thing in a local supermarket and they pay 7€ per hour. Approximately I am gonna earn around 200-300€ a month... O.O So-awesome.
But the downside of this..cause it is likely I am gonna spend half of it on MIA .... is that I fear awkward moments. Like friends or family wondering why I am not full of money,able to buy anything a teenage girl wishes for etc ...ahhhhh let us just wait.... Summer Holidays start on Monday. 15th of July I will be off for 12 days to Spain with this youth organisation trip thingy..maybe 12 days without b/p ing? Yes please? I would say fat chance,which pleases me VERY MUCH!
And when I am back I will meet my therpist twice a week from then on,another good thing =)
Please excuse my lovelies, I have been missing you all so awfully and simply need to catch up a ton of posts!
PS..: Is it at your places just as hot as it is here in germany? Jeez it is 36°C and it simply won't get any cooler...and weatherforecast says it is gonna be like that the next whole week or so ...O.O ahhhhhhhh
This means lots of people wanting to visit the public swimming pool....which is cool but not for me. still don't like to think of shwoing myself almost naked in pulblic. >.<
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Some sayings and quotes I like...
♦Sooner or later everyone will cause you pain…You just have to figure out which ones are worth it.
♦Smile. It’s easier than explaining why you’re sad…
♦Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am, it isn’t me…
♦My knight in shinig armour turned out to be a looser in aluminium foil
♦What's better? A lie, that drwas a smile (and satisfies) or the truth that draws a tear?
♦(translatet) I am my own hell,my own paradise,a fallen angel, that plunged herself into ruin
♦Technically, one simply gets unhappy by pondering.
♦Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!
♦I'm not afraid of Happy Endings.I'm just afraid my life won't work that way..
♦The only reason people hold on memories so tight is because memories are the only thing that won't change when everything else does.
♦Every time a child says"I don't believe in fairies" there's a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead"-Peter Pan
♦"When you lose the battle
You may as well give up the war"
.... nothing tastes as good as thin feels....sacrifice is giving up something good for something way better.....
♦Smile. It’s easier than explaining why you’re sad…
♦Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see, the girl I am, it isn’t me…
♦My knight in shinig armour turned out to be a looser in aluminium foil
♦What's better? A lie, that drwas a smile (and satisfies) or the truth that draws a tear?
♦(translatet) I am my own hell,my own paradise,a fallen angel, that plunged herself into ruin
♦Technically, one simply gets unhappy by pondering.
♦Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!
♦I'm not afraid of Happy Endings.I'm just afraid my life won't work that way..
♦The only reason people hold on memories so tight is because memories are the only thing that won't change when everything else does.
♦Every time a child says"I don't believe in fairies" there's a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead"-Peter Pan
♦"When you lose the battle
You may as well give up the war"
.... nothing tastes as good as thin feels....sacrifice is giving up something good for something way better.....
When I hate...
When I hate
this stretch of skin
this bulge of thigh
this clinging fat
these beady eyes
When I hate
this stomach flab
this sagging chest
this chunky butt
these too small breasts
When I lose
my sense of self
my dignity
my pride in all
that makes up me
When I lose
this ugly face
this state of mind
my worst disgrace
then I'll be fine.
Then I'll be fine.
You'll see, I'm fine.
~Ant (Morgan S.)~
this stretch of skin
this bulge of thigh
this clinging fat
these beady eyes
When I hate
this stomach flab
this sagging chest
this chunky butt
these too small breasts
When I lose
my sense of self
my dignity
my pride in all
that makes up me
When I lose
this ugly face
this state of mind
my worst disgrace
then I'll be fine.
Then I'll be fine.
You'll see, I'm fine.
~Ant (Morgan S.)~
3 Kommentare:
It's like we're spot on in the same mental funk at the moment. Everyone seems to be encountering this disillusionment at the moment. What to do when you reach your goal?
I, like you, am focusing my efforts on combating MIA. Because it's MIA that makes me turn to ANA and MIA that makes me really, truly, deeply miserable. I'm back to my meal documenting like I did in therapy ages ago. Writing everything down and everything I feel about food. It does help for some reason.
Ooh your trip to Spain sounds like what I did last year. Went to Romania for 12 days with a youth volunteer group. I survived, but barely. Got up super early every day in order to fake breakfast and restrict. Stayed in almost every evening when they went out to avoid dinner. Faked gluten intolerance/lactose intolerance...you name it, to get away with eating only salad. But when they went out ended up b/ping. Every day, sometimes multiple times. Was drenched with guilt and shame so went for long walks in the dark by myself whilst they laughed and played cards. Then every day struggled not to faint from dizziness in the hot weather with long, hard hours. Don't, don't do what I did. Make the most of your experience. I'm glad I went but I kick myself at how I sabotaged what I should have tried harder at, and alienated people that all ended up being good friends with each other. I still can't talk to them properly, even online, because I know I acted like such a freak, and I know they know something was not right with me.
I think we can do this. Being happy with your legs is a great start. I'm trying to stop weighing and stop thinking about numbers and BMI and think about what I like, and what I can improve by toning up and things, not starving. Because happiness does not lie down that route, it never does. Baby steps. I'm sending you love and strength! x
Wow congratulations on making your goal! Such an amazing number!!
One thing you can do with some of the money you make at work is shop for some cute clothes. Your lovely body deserves it.
Much much much love!
zen
Congrats on reaching your goal and getting the job!
I haven't checked my email in a while, I'm being emo and antisocial :/
We had a hard frost last night. Yay -.-;
Love yooooou!
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