Curtain Call EDIT

I want to thank you.

All you, who have read my past post and not judged me / wished my to hell or sth. like that.

Especially I want to send a huge family pack of "all you can eat"-hugs*kisses*love to Peri and Zen.

I felt so horrible while and after posting. In fact I felt Doomsday-ish all Saturday and Sunday.

I stayed in bed until.. like 7PM on Sunday. I had planned to meet with some friends that evening but.. I didn't.

Actually it was not at all that I felt overwhelmed with giult because of my thoughts..no! 

I just felt like everything was doom and sorrow and pain and useless and...well if I am not 50kilos on my 18th I can just as well go and die. 

So why try harder to avoid the passionate relationship with my currently best friend Mia?

I even started thinking about ways I could kill myself.

Now don't jump all off your seats ladies!

It is just that I do not see any perspective for me. I can't see a future me.

Because I don't think I will graduate(Abitur),cause... I dunno...just think I won't make it.

Right now I am just so very sure that I will fail at this task called "life"

That is why I see the possibility that one day, I really can't say when; I might just pop some sleeping pills.

Well,obviously more than just "some".

But then again, I am not sure whether you can just walk into a pharmacy and demand sleeping pills?

I am too much of a pussy as if I could cut my wrists or something like that. Plus, it isn't really a pretty look for the one(s) finding me.

Jumping from a roof?.....naaaah again not that pretty to look at. Imagine a child seeing me.... don't want to give it a trauma!

And I haven't decided yet whether I would write something like...goodbye-notes. Whether I shoudl tell my family about things like... mia,ana...my eating disorder in general...

Whether I shoul write a note to my asshole mother with anice and juicy sentence saying something like 

"congratulation,you're the worst being on earth calling herself mother- humankind would be better off without you-I wish you had died after the Court gave my father our custody"

See? I am just making very vague plans.

No need to worry I have gone *to the other side of whatever* if you don't read from me  every two days!

After all, there is still you!!

And right now, I could not imagine to abandon you!

<3

PS.:Sunoffabiatch....why is the Finale of Lost not uploaded on kino.to yet ??!?!?!?

Bloody hell, thx to Cille(zero effect) I found tthis amazing calculator!  You type in your height and it tells you exactly the range of weight in which you would be considered as seriously anorexic, underweight+anoreia,ideal weight, the weight with wich you would presumably have your longest lifepsan etc.!

So amazing!=)
So, according to this site I would have the longest lifespan weighin in at an ideal weight around 63-70 kilos.....uhm really? Fuck off tossers! x'D I was ridiculously fat when tipping the scales at around 61kilos and felt like a rhino ....


But one information I a definitely gonna trust/use is this one:

Below

45 kg(99lbs)

Serious anorexia

Between

45 and kg 51(114lbs)

Under- weight, anorexia

Between

51(114lbs) and 63 kg(139lbs)

Ideal weight

Oh gosh, I LOVE numbers.
Ehm whaat?!?! Me,numbers...LOVE?!?!?!
Never ever -maths and I have severe issues
.... but in ED world numbers and I are best friends! <3

Knowing the above typed really kinda made my day...plus the fact that I found my purse again which I feared for approx. horrible 30minutes to be lost.
My bank card,my ID, 8€ would have been lost! I actually feared I had accidentally thrown them away when I let the two big b/p bags disappear last night aroung 4 AM.
Must have looked completely mental,lika an insane cat lady or something.
Like the one in Simpsons.

In my pyjamas,stains of chocolate on the trousers,slighlty greasy hair carrying a big brown travel bag filled with two big plastic bags(which were really heavy...).
And I was bare-foot.

Insteresting how light it is in the middle of the night because of all the lampposts. And I noticed that though it isn't even Summer yet ,dawn breaks around 4.30AM and it isn't dark anymore at 5AM.

Almost told my family at dinner this interesting fact, but then I reminded myself, that it would have followed awkward questions...x'D

Feeling a bit excited about the shops being finally open after two days of them being closed...holiday days and Sundays are tough if you're on the Bulimia front :(

(Yes I do feel bad about this)

But in order to get her body...*sigh*