Proof of life and real Anas

Sorry ladies, it has been over a week since I made my last peep.
I have been busy failing my physics and chemistry exams for the last bloody time( Next year I can finally drop those two bastards),learning for my major subject biology and doing it IMHO rather well. And I have been behaving rather abnormal for a teeanager. I almost abandoned the computer/internet com-plete-ly!

I simply felt as if there was nothing important or interesting to tell you and I was having/am having  a lot of troubles with myself. But one step after the other.

In the last post I told you that I admitted to another girl having an ED. Well, actually it is now two girls. The one is severly suffering from Anorexia nervose,looking like an escapee from Aschwitz(no exaggeration here!) and THAT CLOSE on being again send to a clinic. The other one was the girl I mentioned in the last post. A few weeks ago I heard romours about her having(had) an eating disorder(ana) and that she had had to swallow some pills and that is why she is so small. WTF?!  Sure, just pop some pills and you are free of any eating issues! Of course it was completely bullshit. But I kinda felt obliged to cautiously tell her about the rumours. We talked a little bit and yes she had ana,last year in spring she was at her worst and had to spend afew months in a clinic. It was about control and the fascination of how far she could go,experiencing such extreme feelings.
Although she is still rather slender she does not look ill. ANd thank god! she did not slip into Bulimia though she once though about it. In the first few months after her release of the clinic she had to gain 100g a day!!! Imagine being obligend to gain 700g per week... O.o
But she admitted being kinda cheerful about being *allowed* to eat as much as she pleases. Though she told me she usually eats aroung 800 to 1000cals Mon-Fri and a little bit more on weekends. Especially on Sundays,cause Mondays are weighin days. And she counts cals openly,she does not bother her family knows. Of course it is still in her head but gladly she found some kind of balance,so she is not threating her life by her low weight.

The other skeletal looking girl who also is in my major english...well...I can't understand how she got that worse. It hurts looking at her. There is not an ounce of beauty in her thinness. Well,actually I can not understand why her parents have not send her back in to treatment!? Everyday I get to school I wonder whether she will still be there....

Additionally, my biology teacher decided to talk with us a bit about all kind of eating disorders as I already mentioned in the past. This week we finished and well... I now see myself obliged to be careful with showing my hands. Cause in one the infobrochures she gave us about Mia was the thing with yourhand mentioned. The teeth marks. "Uh-oh" *pulling my sleeves over my left hand and at the same time keep on passionately explaing to my class mates why ED are not just this and that but rather[...]*

Beware,mental leap ahead!
I have conitnued being rather sportive by cycling a lot. It helps curbing the self-hatred and disgust. Though the gap between my legs had widened again,approx. around 1-1,5 cm, I still feel rather fat. And it is because of my measure band refusing to give me a lower thigh circumference than 53cm. Two weeks of cycling like a mad man and the result?! I feel better and stronger clearly there are more musles but still! Was not it supposed to be this way: gain muscles,lose fat,get thinner thighs?!

Last week was less Miaish, I rather stuffed myself on carrots with low cal salad sauce. This week has been a passionate love affair with Mia: b/p,b/p,healthy 900cals day,b/p, healthy day (because supermarket did not have my usualy b/p ing stuff and one moment I wanted to b/p the other I desperately wanted carrots(because carrots is some food I have not eating for uhm......12 hrs?! jeezxD))

Tonight the friend of mine at whom's I used to spend half the weekends in the past(and ate tons of organic,vegan but still in the end fattening food) is going to celebrate his 16th birthday. There will be pizza. He told me his mother had bougt a lot of veggies especially for me, but I already kinda warned him that I am not that much of a pizza girl( rather baked dough with veggies on top O.o) and would be perfectly fine to eat just the veggies. I will not mention it anymore but simply eat only the veggies.Avoid weird looks or whatever.
But I am sure there will be also lots of stuff like crips ,salt pretzel etc. All that kind of food you eat when watching TV. The following may sound like a very poor excuse to b/p but to me it sounds rather logic: I am gonna have a proper b/p session this evening before I go there in order to give in to all possible craving so I ill have absolutely not problem to keep myself from eating anything but the veggies. No bread,no macadamia nut cream on bread.

Meantl leap!
Those jerks at whomäs I handed in my application for the sideline job have not made a single peep yet. Not even a short " We regret to inform you blahblah" -.- But I am working on it. Before I turn 18 I will be thin and gorgeous and have a proper paid job!

Now girls, I have a question: I just read through an enormous book about nutrition and everything that has got to do woth it. The niveau is reaaaaly,high sometimes hard to understand as there is also a lot of chemistry in it but the main thing about this book is: I have copied down a list of all need vitamines a minerals our body needs and from where to get it+ how much you need daily. The thing is that I only wrote down the vegan sources, skipping the non vegan foods. Are you interested in this information?
Please be honest, cause of course it would mean a bit work for me to type it down, maybe with Excel or something and put it on her. If you want me to,should I rather just put it into a following post or pin it down in my blog permanently?

Mental leap No.6578:

Thursday last week, was really embarassing. I think I have reached of new lvl of my depression. My art course did a school trip to see some artist's (George Seurat) creations. If you are interested ho he works google it,it is not that bad ;) ANyway, at the end of it we were supposed to draw some special kind of picture with coal. Not outlines just creating a figure by the dark/light contrast O.o
And suddenly there came the flood.  Like an enormous wave it rose inside me within a few seconds. Drip.Drip.Drip. The lady who told us stuff about the artist cam to me asking what was wrong with me, had she been to harsh about not wanting a snowman drawn by us blah.
She led me to a quieter place so I could calm down cause obviously I did not want my whole class to see myself that way. It took more than 10minutes until I had calmed down so that  would not burst out in tears again any second.But still,the rest of the trip I had to concetrate really hard to supress any new waves.
So.embarassing.
Almost the same thing happened this monday in class. Teacher though writing a quick test would such a gooooood thing. Of course I completely failed. Maths makes me feel like a total retarted dumb douchebag.Every single lesson. It does not matter if I score extremely high in every other subject( apart from physics and chemistry of course but they are gone next year). It does not matter if I get really good marks, a straight B-A student. One double lesson maths and I feel like I am gonna end up as a homeless person,living in a carton addicted to alcohol or drugs. Or simply a fat young Mum.

Obviously,gotta stop this.

As a goodbye present a few thinspos for my most beloved girls on earth:

Those last two are some of my favourite's.♥♥♥ I woudl probably end up crying with joy, if at the end of this summer I have a picture of me on the beack in my bikini actually looking quite good and thin in it...