Shoot me

My father, his partner, my younger brother, my little sister and my step-sister 
and I 
were supposed to drive to a big shopping centre this morning cause we all need some stuff.

I need several tops for Summer and shoes.( at least that is what my father also agrees with)

My mood was not at top lvl this morning at my father kept commenting on my wandering around with a bowl of green salad and eating it.

I got kind of testy saying he should finally stop permanently commenting on what I do and how I do it.

Situation got  uncomfortable and I rushed off to my room.

We were supposed to leave at 10 o'clock.

Then suddenly the house was silent.

I went upstairs and just the moment I was out the door and put my shoes on I saw him turning the car around to drive off to his partner's flat 3minutes away.

"Motherfucker."

I started walking to her flat.

1 minute before I reached the flat I was his car driving away.

Can not find words to describe what is going oon inside me apart from the fact that I am crying right now,tried to distract myself by watching Desperate Housewives and just realised what a horrible person I really am.

SO much more than I already thought all this time.

I was just reading again on postsecret.com when these thoughts came.

Why can't they all have a horrible car accident and I end up as an orphan, only my step brother left of my patchwork family, so that I finally have a justified and commonly acknowledged reason to be depressed and not seeing a reason to live a life that seems to end nowhere?

( 'course my darn mother is still alive but to me she is nothing but a person that does not deserve to live...so.. )

 

...and you're the only one I can tell about it, because I don't want my therapist to think bad of me. To him I am a very intelligent,brave,strong[...] and mature girl who's suffering from a bad childhood or something.

 

I don't want to disappoint him

 

Thank you for listening reading

 

I am glad this place exists. I had to tell someone