Am currently kinda hiding from you lovelies... because I am way too ahsamed of myself.
Feel like I no longer belong to this awesome community since I ate like 3men !!! the past week.
Seriously.
My tighs have exploded, I guess so did my ass. I'm avoiding the measureband, but the last time it said tighs= 53-54cm (suicidal thoughts anyone?!)
I hate my face,looks like full moon. My nice collar bones have almost vanished.
Depression is getting worse.
But at least I kinda TRIED to fight this by spending mroe time with my halfsiblings. Unfortunately it does not seem to work properly. Feel like bursting out in tears like almost all the time.
Almost did at dinner table yesterday. Glad I didn't.
Hm.
Wonder what everyone at school will think when they see me...
"WTF?! Just two weeks ago she kinda looked fragile and a bit maybe too thin and now? Did she swallow a family pack of sugarcoated fat or what???"
I don't eat *properly*(according to every non Mia/Ana) --> depression miiight get support from this
I eat as if I had a metabolism that burns up like 10,000 cals a day --> everything gets even WORSE.
Screwed up situation ,huh?
The only thing that stopped me (at least a tiny while) from getting lost in VERY DARK thoughts
( you are welcome to interpret whatever you like into this)
is this guy.
I <3 him. ( discovered him this weekend)
If you don't adore him as well you suck!!
Just kidding ;)
Anyway. I am scared.
So.very.terrified. My poor body. It really feels like I have been raping him/her/it? the past 7 days.
Pondering about what extent of harm I have created so far.
My metabolism is screwed. This means the 7 days in a row calorieoverkill must have done way mroe harm than it would have to an *ordinary* person..?
Gosh, the thought of all the fat cells in ymy body celebrating this caloriemarathon is sooo dredful.
I can almost feel it.
WibblyWobblyJigglyFlabby
UGH
And ervery bloody time I fail, every time I overeat like this it gets harder to lose the regained fat.
When I am down to 51kilos again I will probably look the way I used to look when I was 53 kilos.
Meaning until I have back the kind of body I used to have seven-damn-days-ago
I would probably have to get down to 49-50 kilos
WTF?!?!
50 kilograms was supposed to be my ultimate goal weight.
And what now?
I screwed it up. Completely.
I remember 8-9 days ago I was having this thought
" Mina, you are down to 51kilos WELL DOWN honey! Just make sure you DON'T gain any weight anymore, it would screw up everything!!"
Ohmyohmy.I want to hide from everybody I know. What a shame.
Sorry girls.
This was not supposed to happen.
Until 7 days ago I was having a though going like
"Well, my psyche and soul and mind might be totally screwed thx to The Callous Mother but at least I am a (kinda) skinny psycho girl,right? That's at least something. Some kind of last straw."
Now even that is gone.
Why do I have this unpleasant feeling that I will have to struggle with the incredibly amount of fat I have put on for like.... forever? Or at least "too long"
It want it gone.
RIGHT NOW.
Anybody got a treadmill one could send to me?
I promise I would exercise on it every day.
For hours.
*heads off to PostSecret.com*
PS: Thank you my lovelies for responding to my last post!!! Now I don't feel that bad for having these *give up fertility for their bodies* anymore. I am sending you a big package of thank you ! hugs to all over your places,hoping it might brighten up your days since I already got lost in my very own eclipse.
Geez, this post is so dramatic. I am being so melodramatic. But that is truly how I feel.
PS: Thank you my lovelies for responding to my last post!!! Now I don't feel that bad for having these *give up fertility for their bodies* anymore. I am sending you a big package of thank you ! hugs to all over your places,hoping it might brighten up your days since I already got lost in my very own eclipse.
Geez, this post is so dramatic. I am being so melodramatic. But that is truly how I feel.
3 Kommentare:
*hugshugsHUGS* You didn't ACTUALLY eat 3 men though, right? Eating people wouldn't be vegetarian! (It certainly isn't Kosher! XD)
A normal Metbolism only uses about 2,000cals a day. Do you use Fitday.com? If you don't you so should! It's so helpful! Yeah, not eating right certainly causes some serious depression problems. Your brain used carbs for energy D: (Seriously, WTF?)
I can't send you a treadmill, but would you like some hills? We have plenty of hills here. You burn massive amounts of calories walking on the bloody things XD
I hope you have a better day tomorrow. You'll lose that extra flab in no time <3
i know how you feel! i completely avoid the blog when i binge because im so ashamed. we know how it is hunny! just come back to the blog and let it all out. get back on track. you can do it :)
Oh yes, I'm totally going to be listening to those avoid-bad-food signals from the stomach from now on. That was NOT a fun night! XD
Lets go on a healthy food bender! A whole week of nothing but healthy food. Lets start now! We should have a healthy-only week each month :D Ditch the junky stuff and takeaways and subsist on fruit, veges, tofu and nuts. Oh, and chocolate milk. I can't live without chocolate soymilk!
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