"I don't know why I did it. It wasn't the kind of binge I've had recently where it's been a lack of control, and panicked, and I purge. I knew I was going to do this. I made no attempt to stop myself. I just didn't care. There was no panic. It was slow, controlled, calm even. It was clear I was going to make no attempt to purge after. I just ate and ate until my stomach couldn't take anymore and then I just lay down and felt like crying. No tears came, I just felt like a cavern of emptiness.
This is what happens when I'm depressed. I just stop caring. I took no pleasure in eating, it was just mechanical, zombie like. I knew what I was doing, that I would undo my good work so far, but I just did. not. care. I don't know where this feeling came from. I'd had such a good day. But out of nowhere I was back to how I usually feel. Empty, weighed down, despairing. Like there is a physical weight inside of me pulling me down into the depths of despair. No sadness, just nothing. All I do is sleep, and when I wake up nothing has changed, so I sleep some more.
But now everything is worse. On top of that feeling I have to carry around the knowledge of my failure. Feel it in the way my stomach aches. See it in the way it's tight and bloated. I dread to think how much weight I've gained. It all feels so pointless now. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. And the thing is, I still feel like it. I don't feel any satisfaction in restricting. I just feel like doing it all over again. Anything to fill this void inside."
This is what happens when I'm depressed. I just stop caring. I took no pleasure in eating, it was just mechanical, zombie like. I knew what I was doing, that I would undo my good work so far, but I just did. not. care. I don't know where this feeling came from. I'd had such a good day. But out of nowhere I was back to how I usually feel. Empty, weighed down, despairing. Like there is a physical weight inside of me pulling me down into the depths of despair. No sadness, just nothing. All I do is sleep, and when I wake up nothing has changed, so I sleep some more.
But now everything is worse. On top of that feeling I have to carry around the knowledge of my failure. Feel it in the way my stomach aches. See it in the way it's tight and bloated. I dread to think how much weight I've gained. It all feels so pointless now. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. And the thing is, I still feel like it. I don't feel any satisfaction in restricting. I just feel like doing it all over again. Anything to fill this void inside."
These amazing words were written by XElleX.
They express quite perfectly what I am also feeling/have felt. I wonde rwhy I seem to be sometimes to completely unable to put into words what I feel. It is all locked up in my mind and heart but if it comes to talking about it to others it is just like ZIP all the words gone.
I hope you will not get mad at me Elle for quoting you :S
Is it horrbile to admit that I would probably give up fertility(or like donate my eggs for some desperate woman seeking motherhood) if I would get their body in exchange and looks that amazing until like I am ...39?
Shht Mina, you shouldn't even think such stuff!
It is wrong to think such stuff,right?!
Right????
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I don't mind at all, in fact I'm honoured. I just type the words without really thinking about it, I didn't realise they would reach out that way to someone. I'm really glad to have connected with you x
btw I'm vegan too, supposedly. I can't at home because my parents are really against it, and tbh I find it hard when restricting b/c I need my low cal things to keep me going which often have teeny traces of milk powder in and such things. But I fully believe in it and will get back to it.
I would give up the internal lady parts too if it promised that I would be thin for the rest of my life.
Its not wrong to think like that.
To me, it is right. x
I've thought the same thing.
Now I've been thinking about wanting kids someday... but then I think, "What if they inherit my cracks and breaks?" Maybe infertility would be a blessing.
I don't know anymore. I don't know about most things.
That completely describes my entire weekend. I just can't stop shovelling it in D:
I'm a genetic dead end. I have no plan or desire to reproduce. At first it was so I didn't fuck up a kid the way my Mum fucked me up. Now it's because I KNOW I'd fuck them up.
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