Mina the destructor

...of herself.
Saturday 1st bad day, Sunday and Monday: COMPLETE EPIC FAIL
thousands of calories poisoning my body and I does not stop. The past two days I even felt rather hot because of the overheating that is caused when one eats way too many cals.
I'm losing control.
False.
I have lost control.
Today I wanted to do better, did some cycling, had a healthy low cal breakfast (fruit salad) and used the time until dinner reading books in a bookstore. After dinner I went to the supermarket and bought some healthy stuff. Turns out the white beans are not that healthy...81 cals /100g
ugh.
At least the green beans are really low(18cals) but then again, I had firstly eaten the white beans. Demon in my head  snickering gleefully: See?! You screwed up agaiiiin teeheehee, c'mon girl you know it is over just keep on munching
And the Demon gets stronger, somehow suddenly the "Ok, let's try to get better and healthier, until easter holidays are over in two weeks you will be back to 51kilos! You can do it!" feeling vanishes into thin air and instead I find myself having eaten 2 slices of bread with melted cheese and another slice with some cottage cheese+butter+marmelade+honey.
Calling ifinally the day a further fail I make myself pancakes.
I wish I could die.
This is truly the feeling inside me.
Looks like I am completly over challenged with Holidays and the tremendous amount of leisure time. On teh oen hand I love it on the other hand this sudden change in my  daily life screwed up everything. I aölready gained a bit mroe than 1cm in my thighs and I gotta feeling that my belly is way more flabby and let us not mention my  hips.
Ugh.
I'm so scared.
Yet I feel so helpless.
Losing weight is harder when it gets warmer, everyone knows that. Your body does not need as much energy as in Winter to keep your body temperature up tp 37 degrees. Meaning every fat cell I gain is way harder to lose. I need something that keeps me constantly busy. It is so pathetic, I can not even watch a movie without needing something to nibble on. I tried coke and diet soda. It does nto really work.
There is this evil thought in my mind telling me that some day I will end up as a smoker though I really despite smoking. But it is somethinf you can be busy with. And it supresses your appetite.
Jeez I hate it.

Another whiney ranting post.
-.-
Need a treadmill. I am utterly convinced that if I had one I would actully be permanently exercising on it. While listening to audio books or watching movies.
Maybe this is just another " If.... THEN everything would be soooo much easier!"
Maybe not.
Sigh.
If holidays are over and I am back to wibblywobblyflabby Mina things will get worse. I think started willing to talk to a shrink about my depression problems and the deeply buried "fucked up childhood thx to mom" problem only because I was finally not so much disgusted by myself. With a weight between 51-52,0 kilos I felt.... okay...
But now the self hatred and disgust
(hello flushed, didn't you mention something similar in one of your last posts?)
creeps back and it worsens depression, I am falling again into this huge abyss and though I know I merely have to STOP to get better, to lose, to concentrate I find myself to helpless.

Stop binging, stop b/p, stop procastination and do your sideline job=exercising regularly, stop being so easily influenced by the little monster inside my trying to make me fat, stop being so lazy and exercise in any kind of way, stop eating just for the sake of eating GODAMMIT!

Just let me fall asleep,getting lost in a beautiful dream in which all ym wishes come true, no evil exists and I am simply h.a.p.p.y.

 

PS: I wanted to make an appointment with my dentist...check how badly bulimia already damaged my teeth and hopefully let it be fixed/made better.Turns out she is on easter holidays -THE WHOLE FUCKIN two weeks -.- Just to end this post with something positive: You shoudl really watch 500 days of summer. The guy is just soooo cute (played a part in 10 things I hate about you) and the whoel sotry...hmm...love the guy's chara