Have you ever...?

Have you ever felt the wish that someone should die? Someone whom's existence merely causes pain,damage and hurt? Have you ever felt a screaming voice inside your head crying out in despair that the whole world would be a better place if this certain person simply would die?
Have you ever had the tiny thought that virtually everything that goes wrong in your life, the reason why you're so fucked up in your head and soul,all you pain and anger is because this person is alive?

 The person I am speaking of is the womans out of whom's womb I came.

I know that this post may trigger many "????!?!?" but hell yes I hate her. From the bottom of my heart.Right after my little sister's birth she sould have died.And things would be better. 100%. Tough...hm...maybe things would not be like they are now...things that are good. Like my father being together with my ex BFF's mother in primary school. We would not be a patchwork family,prbably. And maybe my father would not have found a woman to fall in love with and would still be lonely. Then it would be just the four of us. Father,me,brother,sister.
It used to be like that for like half a year.This patchwork family thing is way better.For everyone.

But back to the topic: Why would one hate his own mother?

It is a terribly long story and I guess just to protect myself my brain has locked it all up in a huge trunk with 1000 thick metal chains...it is really hard to talk about it so I will keep this short:
It takes VERY MUCH to make a court give the children to the father and not to the mother.

VERY.MUCH.

And still it was a long hard bloody fight.

But the nightmare the rest of my fmaily and I had been living in for 12 years(so since I was born,but she was a monster even before anyways) and got worse when I turned 12 and it was clear that my parents would get divorced. I would have rather gona to an orphanage than to her,to make this clear. I knew this in the exact moment it was clear that they would seperate.

And it still goes on. And will probably never end. Until this woman is dead.

I can only imagine to what extend this woman damaged my siblings and me psychologically....´and still does

I know this post is really confusing, I'm giving you strange bits of a horrible truth happening but can not tell you the whole story. Because I would not know where and how  to start.What to tell and what not to. Additionally, it would take an eternity to write it all down and I fear I can not recall everything correctly/in the correct order and I do not want to miss anything. My brain locked all this as good as possible away,to numb the pain and anger and damage.

I'm really sorry I wrote all this stuff here because it does not help you in any way but confusion. I just had to pat  it out, to scream it to the whole world(or at least world wide web) that I WANT THIS WOMAN TO DIE

If I am ever driving in a car and she corsses the street I will not find the breaks. If there is ever a dangerous situation with her and there is a gun... I might bloody well shoot her.

Imagine a dramatic movie scene in which a killer or something is like

 " well well...what'cha gonna do? Let your beloved mother die or [insert anything]...?"

 I would just smile bittersweetly,say "Well, go on then!" and turn around walking away not giving a damn shit.

Thanks for the memories woman that dares to call herself a mother..and oh yes...thax for you making my life a living hell.