Ugh...

Okay, time to take stock.... this week has been a toal bunch of shit referring to  dumping MIA and embracing ANA.... Apart from Sunday, I had dinner with MIA every friggin' day -.- I eat pretty much nothing all day aside from maybe 2 apples and a few pieces of carrots or cucumber...sometimes it is just one apple until dinner. Everything is fine, it is not reall that hard. But AFTER dinner it is like someone shouted "3..2..1...GOGOGO!"
I rush to the supermarket and buy ~3-6€worth of bad food.... then I eat it secretly in my room....this week it has been even a bit easier because of the "no computer" tinghy for my brother is not next to my room playing MMORPG's.....but still there where some really frightening moments of dumbness/carelessness of mine.....

Remember me telling you I wuld watch FAME with C.? When I came back I started putting small pieces of a choco santa claus on some slices of whoel grain bread... AND I DID IT IN THE KITCHEN! During this I decided to finally heat up the bag of asparagus soup I had been storing in my room for 3 days.... and because I am suhc a stupid clumsy fellow I made a hell lot of noise ....so my brother came down and in all the haste I could not manage to hide all of the chocolate :S
So he was like :
"Waddaya doin?" "Uhm...just making some soup..." " Huh..where didya get that santa claus?" "D'uh... u know father gave me one on nicolaus day ,too!ò.o" (liar...ate that one on the same day but still nice excuse, good brain!) He gave me a funny look and disappeared. The next day He asked what I had done with the soup(  a good amount of it landed on the stove because I overheated it -.-) and I just said  that I put it in the sink... though half of it I had actually eating only to make the puring of the choclate with whole grain bread easier...*sigh*
Next horrible moment: I b/p on Wednesday  and I dunno how but when I was finished I saw that there was a little spot on the  armchair!! =*panicattack*
Fortunately I had no problems*earsing it*completley so *PHEW* ( but still...my half brother saw the small cake I had bough at least I think he might have seen it..but anyways... I am willing to admit that is is not always as easy to be vegan and that I gave in to temptation but am still determined to become a real vegan bah blah...would have no damn problems if there wasn't my best friend EDdy...)
Thursday: Right in the middle of a nice MIA session suddenly my father knocked on my door. My heart almost stopped beating! There was no way he could have hear anything because I was listening to Lord of the rings at loud volume plus I had just stopped to take a small break(drinking a bit more wate,pushing your stomach..) So there I was,stomach full of cookies and cakes talking to my father for like 5minutes... Geeez I was so glad I had hidden the bag into which I vomit carefully  and everything was *safe*
Friday: MIA session is over(at least part one) bag is hidden in the big bag I put my school things in today and lieing on the stairs down to my room. My parents get back from a "date" and suddenly I remember: "Oh shit.better put that bag down to your room before they might pick it up and coincidentally see what's in there!!"  second heatattack withing one week: bag is gone.
Rush down ot my room begging my father has not discovered the bag with vomit :S
No harm done,everything is fine.... *breeeeeeeeeeath*

Did I forget anything tha thappened this week? Uhm... I spontaneously skipped school on Wednesday and 2 of 4 lessons on Friday. But still some good news: Again,best work in my english course = 14/15 points, 15points for the HW essay I had to write in the holidays, 12points in history ...father is so proud of me *shrugs*

Aaaaaaaand, another great message: My supermarket has put my special pickles back to his offer! :D:D:D:D
I used to be kinda addicted to them cause they are sooo low cal,tasty and so very perfect to eat....so many little pieces.....they really helped in my times if eating a max of 800cals with no purging...

But today...they did not taste that great.. I guess it is because I have ruined my taste buds again thx to my hardcore MIA being -.- What a pity :(

This Saturday I had to do my sideline job though I am really not looking forward to it because of the icy weather :S( On Wednesday it took me 1,5hrs which is on the one side amazing as a workout,burned so many cals and could feel my muscles so intensly after it :D on the other side it is just.so.damn.cold.)
Additionally I have been invited to go to this friend of mine againn for a movie night. And now I am torn. On the on hand I would be nice....lots of healthy food for me AND IT IS FREE!! ,a nice movie,good company.... on the other hand.... it is so tedious to take the bus,take anothe rone because there is just one stupid bus that drives there -.- I have been offerd again to stay of night but..I don't know... I would be faced the the breakfast problem in the morning.....and taking the bus on Saundays is even more frustrating and time-consuming than other days :S
BLEH.... and of course there is greedy MIA monster in my saying "nooooo I want to feat Saturday night!!! FEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEEE! Buy lots of food , stuff your stomach and prge it all up again!  Look, everything has been going so very well! Although you can not really believe it you reached a new LW this week! 52,2kilos isn't that jsut awesome?!?! I am you best friend hun! Be kind to me!"

There are two really powerful creatures inside me, and MIA is simply way too strong for the "health concerned wanting to be restrictive ANAish" creature.... maybe it is because although I don#t want to admit it... secretly I love MIA. I love it how I can stuff my face day after day with so much tasty food and gain a single pound but actually LOSE! and wake up with an almost concarve tummy.... just this morning I would see my hipbones! ANd when I tried to pose like some of the thinspo girls is looked rather nice....such a flat stomach..such nice bones....*sigh*  And I know that this beloved really flat stomach will be gona if I start restricting again. If I eat a max of 800 cals a day I willl stuff ymself with lots os healthy veggies and the result is a slighlty convex stomach...because that is jsut what happens if you eat like 1kilo of carrots a day,dinner,and maybe an apple or two. This is logic. Big amount of food=not flat stomach almost nothing the whole day+diner+tons of food+purging= really flat stomach.
Bad temptation...just like the snake that successfully seduced Eve
I'm poisoning myself...


Love you to bits,
minaralou

PS.Wow, 3days away and sooooo many posts from you I have to read-I'm loving it!

PPS: To Lyndee. nope unfortunately no one else in my family is a veggie though at least they eat 3times a week vegetarian because of "health reasons" so I guess that is something^.^ (but still it is so terrible how much meat my brother devours...ugh) I'm crossing my fingers that your Mum will be easily convinced with the earthlings stuff so you have if way easier!! And yes please hadn me over some sort of miacle drink to cure my from this self destroying MIA habit. I like it but hate it at the same time.My head tells me to stop to do this and that to eat healthy etc but MIA whispers continuously in my ears.....it makes me feel less empty and pointless...at least for a short while...and waking up with a stunning flat tummy is such a great feeling...I will hate to give that up...but still the harm MIA does to my body is so tremendous...shit I am really "caught between the devil and the deep blue sea"... this lack of power to act is just so----pathetic

To jayne: I just recently had Hairspray in my fingers when I was at our local library but then decied to put it back becaise of Zach Efron who simply looked so ridiciculous on the cover x3  FAME was awesome recommend it to all of you it is worth the money 1000%!!! All the actors performed so well i was absolutely stunned by their dancing/singing arts O.o  "If it is meant to be it will happen" good one^^ gotta think of that when  I start betting wistfully again haha..I have greater problems than a  stupid minor crush...