Pros and Cons of the past week

*tremendous sigh*

Right now I feel just BLAH. So I am really sorry to keep this post really *not nice readable* it I'm pretty mush torn.

There were several nice happenings this week but in the end enough things that screwed the whole week in the end as well.

 Pros:

1)My father has started calling me "My slender swan". Since I was a toddler he has called me swan (my name means swan in dutch maybe that is why), the adjectiv he's put now in front of it sounds nice but simultaneously I can not really feel/be  pleased or anything about it because it means that he is totally aware of my weightloss... meaning I have to be triple careful and at watch etc.

2)The night at this friend of mien's house ond Thursday was pretty cool ALTHOUGH we went playing billiard at some club called Empire =D I actually managed to hit one of the balls and scored haha.

Aaaan thoug I had not really intended to drink alcohol(cals cals cals) I drank some shots with the guys I was with....and figured out that wodka sweet woodruff adn wodka rasperry are reeeeeally delicious :P

Plus, Iwitnessed the hour of birth of a new drink! Some friend of a friend I was with  used to be in the Empire quite often and one day in the past he just ordered some randomly mixed up stuff and  it tasted good. So on Thursday the guys ordered this self invented shot again and the barkeeper suddenly came and was like " So what was this thing's name again? Stue? Stew?Stu?Does it really taste that good?"

And after we had reassured him how great it is he said that he is contemplating to put it into the club's offerment of drinks! Cool,huh? xD:D

The whole evening/night was really enjoyable and I felt just.. good. NO awkwardness,no threatening food...everything's fine and I'm with people who I really like.

3)I also had closer look at all my marks I am gonna get and I can honestly though I did not work that hard I am really good aside from chemistry...even in maths is got 6/15 points which is,at least for me,reeeeeally good xD

So any tiny winey amount of feeling guilty or bad about skipping a few times school has vanished because... as long as I am good at school everything's okay ;P

4)On Thursday I still weighed 52,5kilos.

5)Friday I found a supercalifragilistepialdotic dress and it only cost me 10 bucks♥♥♥

It is so so so fantastic! Lilac and an awesome cut...it is not easy to describe but let us say it looks a bit magical...like it would fit to a fairy ore something...realy elegant but this not tooo much so that you can not wear it on any events but a wedding or something... awww I am sooo looking forward to have an occasion to wear it x3

Cons:

I stuck to the whole 50/50...until today. Yesterday I turned into MIA,so Saturday was supposed to be NOT MIA. But today I met my friends at P.'s house(friend) and his mother had cooked and P had bought especially for me a big bag of trail mix and..*sugh* you all know what happend.

Evil mind started whispering: "Come on Mina, you know today is not going to be low cals anyway..YOU KNOW IT! So why don't you just postpone the MIA day to today and not b/p on Sunday,Monday,Tuesday?Just today stuff your face and Sunday do your sideline job as a work out and to compensate Piggish Saturday..!"

Maybe it was because it was 2 PM and 10AM was the last time I had ate anything(one apple and one mandarine)...I gave in... and b/p from 2.30PM until 3.30PM....listening to Hot to be good by Nick Hornby...with my brother next to my room on the computer...

Big problem: b/P on an virtually empty stomach IS SO SO BAD!

How stpid was I???? How could I even think that I would be able to get everything out again? Maybe I really did,but still I felt so terribly sick afterwards and this feeling stayed for like half an hour and all ym thoughts were just: Oh my fuckin good I feel so sick,this is sooo disgusting I am never gonna eat something unhealthy argh

When the feelign started to fade it changed into a craviing for realy,healthy food...like veggies and fruits.

So after this, the chance that the past day would not be a total disaster but still okayish food wise had srunken but were still there.

I I ha dnot pigged out at P.'s

Shit shit shit. whyyyy did I do this??

I hate it. This is such a fucke dup situation. I love my friends,I love spending time with them and everything but I am with then I simply lose completly control and pig out.. and just don't fuckin care anymore about anything.

Everything in a nutshell: I had a heel lot of the trail mixs, huge portion of the veggies his mother had made for me(which was okay but here comes the big but:there were also noodles and I don't know why... I put them on my plat and ate goddamn noodles. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I don't even LIKE noodles. Their taste is just bleh)

Actually it was totally clear that food/calorie wise the day would end catastrophic after I had touched the trail mix. And I was right. Once started,stopping is not makeable...

I ate soem hands of cirps,almsot one bag of peanut flips....some party mixe  stuff...salt sticks...

And purging was out of question becauseeveryone notices it when you go to the toilette and stay there longer than a few minutes when everyone is watching a film...so I tried but stopped after some tinye amount of food. :C

Question of the day: How much fat will I gain thx to this calories disaster?

I feel so fucked up.

On the one hand I love tonight if there had not been the food problem. I had such a bloody good talk with some of my male friends about love,boys,live and stuff... the whole time I felt so comfortable and fine.

But at the same time I know I WILL gain an awful amoutn of fat.

A fact I can not bear.

I need to be punished. And I kinda want to.

So instead of the contemplated MIA free days Sun,Mon,Tue,thurs& Wed: healthy but maybe a bit more generous with the cals amount (but still only fruits and veggies) and MIA days to be Fr and Sat I am not allowing me any MIA days.

Guess I will jsut have to do this the hardest way.

Thoug I know it is unhealthy and not smart and will NOT ( did ya hear that Mina?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOT)

eat anything from Monday to Firday the whole bloody day.

Only dinner.

No mandarine/apple/carrot or anything before of after.

Althouhg I burn approx. 100cals to get to school and home every day.

Although I will burn between 250-400 cals.

And although I know it will be fucking hard to stick to this.

Right now it feels just like "Tsss quick and easy no problem!!" Yep, if you are full with food/cals normal people eat within two days it is easy to make such hard plans.

And I can already hear you guys thinking to yourself: Yeah yeah aaaaaaalright mate... making big plasn huh? Getting SERIOUS huh? C'mon honey you will not make it anway! 5 days with solely dinner as the only source of nutrition? Although you have P.E. on Tuesday and two days on which u burn so many cals?

Hear hear.."

And I totally understand.

But there is still this itsy bitsy piece of hope buried in my.  I have how strong and controlled you lovelies can be. How much you achieved.

So of course I can do it.

To increase the pressure Iwill not weigh myself until Friday. And no measuring. Just to not get seduced by results that are not completely catastrophic  so that I don't stop  before Friday.

I will come here daily to read your blogs,keep me motivated and remidn myself constantly to my goals.

Too bad I don't have one of these bracelets to remind myself every second of the following days to think of you,be strong and concentrated.

 But I will search my room for any kind of bracelet..if I find the one I made 1,5years ago in summer 08 out of beads when I used to weigh 53kilos  it would be great =)

Btw...have you any idea how I could motivate myself even more?(+appreciate any ANA tips!!!) Like some kind if reward(apart from losing fat;)) I must be looking forward so that it is easier to stick to this new plan? I already bougt this beautiful dress so it is too late to use it as a reward...hm..

Maybe I could buy the book "13reasons why"...

We will see. the most important thing why I must stick to this plan and not give in is the tremendous amound of weight I will gain thx to  this weekend :C

So lovely,but still so bitter :S

BLEH

Bittersweet.

 Mina

Ps: Huge apologize for this post being to tally disordered,lame writen and just bleh.

One can clearly see that my blogging abilities suffer when I am being a pig :O

 Jayne love this is the boy

Probably not the best pic he has on his profile..one must meet him in reality to feel his special charisma :P